So it's my turn to write the blog (this is Peter by the way). For someone who is very opinionated and has a lot to say, I find it hard to believe it has taken me until now to write in a blog, who would have figured huh?
Back in 2000, I decided I would surrender my life completely to God (this was a long process, but I finally got there in 2000). I had plans for my life, but I decided I would prefer what God had for me instead, and so far, so good. Not that it has all been plain sailing, far from it in fact, but that's part of why I love being fully submitted to Him. Its always stretching and exciting.
As a result, when we were praying about adopting and I couldn't get past how much this whole thing would cost, and how it was not for us (yet know it was), I found myself excited by the prospect of once again being forced into a place that has me completely relying on God to get by, which is where I love to be. I wish making that decision meant all my days I would be resting in the knowledge that God is in compete control, but I am afraid for me its the opposite... sort of. For me, its as if every step I take, I feel as if the next step will take me over a cliff. Faith for me has not been knowing God will catch me as I step out, but despite being worried I will fall, I step out anyway, because God told me to. He has caught me every time, but the process is not so much fun, and yet seeing God be so faithful, despite my doubts, is the only way I want to live my life. Seeing His faithfulness despite my lack of confidence in His faithfulness is such a beautiful thing. I wrote a song about this once. The last lines kind of sum it up. "Sometimes, I don't know where You are, and when I look to the heavens I only see stars, but I know who You are". The thought of not stepping out is far scarier to me than anything else. I know God, and I know His plans are for good, hence, we have started this adoption process, and I feel ready to fall.
Love makes you do Crazy things, just ask our boys!
On Sunday morning before church, Pastor Steve must have sense my fear and he asked me how I was doing. I shared how I have been just getting through each day and was freaking out about the adoption process. I was relying on God to get by, but all I was doing was surviving, no more. He prayed for me quickly, and off we went to worship. I was leading worship and had picked the song Grace like rain. Singing the final verse (from Amazing grace) about being in heaven 10,000 years later, I was struck with how eternal things are really all that matter. I was worried about temporal things, that, when you really look at it, are insignificant. This is when I truly realized that I shouldn't be just getting through each day, but living life to the full. No longer surviving, but thriving. Great to realize, but hard to live out. This was the first service.
Fast fwd to right before the 3rd service, and I was speaking to someone who has adopted. They happened to mention in front of their now 18 year old son, how they were "pretty glad we did it" with a little wink. It was a little thing, but had me thinking about what I would be thinking about Hannah when she is that age. I am leading worship and singing Grace like rain again, when we hit the final verse again, and the eternal aspect of adopting a child into your family hit me. Mary Beth Chapman calls it, a "forever family". I suddenly had an image of worshiping in heaven with my family with me, Kris, Eli, Joey Sam and Hannah. Talk about a terrible time to be hit with such an image. Here I am leading worship in front of 300 people and I started crying, and you know how your voice doesn't really hold pitch when you cry, yeah that was me. Possibly one of the most beautiful images I have ever seen in worship (not that I could actually see it, if that makes sense), and I was totally overwhelmed by the beauty of it all. I kind of went crazy when we hit the Hallelujah part in the chorus. Kind of happens to me when I am passionate about something. I just have to let it explode out. Just watch some football with me sometime. Sorry about that if it was weird for anyone at church, but, well, I am not really sorry. I was just trying to give God everything I had, which is why I was singing with everything I had, and which is why we are following His call for us to adopt Hannah. Being obedient to Him is not always logical, but it sure is exciting, and fulfilling. Now if I could only work out how to do this without freaking out internally throughout the whole journey. Either way, I know I am going to continue to keep stepping forward in this process, knowing God is with us all the way.
Thank you xo
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