Pain Produces Perseverance?

Now this is ironic!
Peter went away on a 15 mile hiking trip and I end up being laid up with a bum leg.
A little over three weeks I have been fighting a bad back and then now it's moved into my left leg. I enjoy getting things done. I don't care what it is - I like to see something get done. Not being able to move reminds me of my first c-section with Eli. Now that was a shock for me. My mom and Peter were doing everything around the house and I had to be confined to my room. Needless to say I am not a pleasant patient. I really don't feel comfortable with people cleaning up after me or doing things I need to be doing. Now it's happening again and I got to figure out a better attitude.
While yelling out to the Facebook world at how upset I was getting, a friend from church (Tiffany) wrote about how she is memorizing the book of James. I thought I would give it a look over.
Yikes!! Remaining Faithful during trails and counting them as gifts? Seriously, I am/was doing everything wrong and backwards. Here let me write a little down from The Message.
 "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides (what?). You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors (oh this doesn't look pretty). So don't try to get out of anything prematurely (feeling the pain?). Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way (so, there's a point to our difficulties).
If you don't know what you are doing (yeah that's me), pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it."
Even though I really don't like to ask for help or how to ask for it, I can't tell you how these words warmed my heart knowing that God wants to help me. When I was in SO much pain last week my mind was not in a good place. I was thinking on things that weren't answers to my problem, but simply would have made it a lot more difficult with our circumstances.
The 28th - was memorial day and we were all wearing the same shirts and our family celebrated my Niece's 3rd birthday. All the cousin's were playing together, I had this welling up feeling coming out of my heart at how special it was to watch the whole family just be together. I stepped closer to Pete and gave him a side hug. (Something that we just were not doing, showing affection for one another) -
On our way home Peter mentioned to me that we didn't need to "get on the same page" with each other, we just needed to all were the same shirt. Funny guy.

                                                      Our Memorial Day celebration.
Oh and here is some family fun we had on the holiday weekend, until the slip and slide broke that day. :-) Hope you enjoy it as much as I did at watching it. Hee hee.

                              Oh man that was funny. Here is a picture to capture the best part!
                           It feels so good to be able to laugh again and enjoy the faces around me.
                                                  (even if they are planted into the ground)

Singing Along

So if you have been following along with our journey, you would know there have been some ups and downs already, with the last 2 weeks being a pretty big down, but even through that, there have been some moments when the light just breaks through, and we have been able to bask in the light and enjoy it. That is what I think I want to share with you this week, because, quite frankly, this is just something I need to remember as well.
 2 weeks ago on Sunday we were driving home from our meeting with the social worker. A 2 hour meeting had gone for 5 hours, and felt beaten up, worn down, and very very tired. We were wondering were we doing the right thing, were we ready for this? We had grabbed Steven Curtis Chapman's CD recreation to listen to on the ride up and it was still playing in the car as we traveled home, but only in the background. I can't remember if I clicked to the song or if it just happened to come up, but the song "long way home" was playing. The first few lines really some up how we were feeling.
 I set out on a great adventure, the day my Father started leading me home
 He said there's gonna be some mountains to climb and some valley's were gonna go through.
 But I had no way of knowing, just how hard this journey would be
 'Cause the mountains are steeper and the Valleys are deeper than I ever would have dreamed.

This song has been so special to us along this journey, and no moment more than as we were heading home, feeling like we were in a valley. The specific moment though I want to share is this, and it's a beautiful example of why I love my wife and why I am so happy to be with her. We were wiped. Emotionally drained, and then as I turned up the music to listen to the song, we both busted out in unison singing the song with everything we had, desperately hoping to believe exactly what we were singing would be true (that we will make it). After the song finished, I hit back and we did it all over again. It was raw (voices weren't exactly hitting all the notes) but it was truly from the heart, and lifted our spirits, even if only for a short time. I wish I could say then it was all fine and dandy after that, but it hasn't been, but we know one thing, we need to keep going on, its just a long way home. It is so true, and we need to keep standing on that.
 I have the song below, and if you are going through a tough time right now, I encourage you to listen to the song. "I know we're gonna make it. I know we're gonna get there soon. And I know, sometimes it feels like we're going the wrong way. but it's just a long way home", and home truly is a beautiful place. Belt it out with everything you have. It's freeing.

Are we really like that?

Well, we met with our social worker this past Sunday. Afterwards we both felt pushed to the ground. Our social worker is a wonderful lady and very helpful and practical and willing to speak her mind. Which we do appreciate. I (Kris) guess we have never thought about what our family looks like from the outside. I have to admit when she retold me, my story, I felt like saying "these people are crazy to be adding to their family".
Yes, we have been married for 6 years and have had three children close together. Yes, we don't earn a ton of money. But - I know that our marriage had been through tough issues and has still come out on top. (Thanks to God!) and I know the money we make pays for our bills and we even do have a little left over for giving to others. (That's because God is always providing for us.)
We were told to think about postponing our adoption until we are in our 40's and starting another family. I'm sure that works for people - but - we want our kids to grow up together around the same stages in life. Maybe I'm too selfish and I want them to be close so they can share the same interests and stages in life because it's easier for me. I don't want to put this off. I don't want to wait until I have to choose between "buying a boat" or adopting a child. Haven't people all around us been telling us that adopting is hard. What better of time to do it when we are younger and have kids that will welcome her with open arms and hearts.
So after having my world of Hannah shaken and stirred. Feeling like I have to "let her go" ~ Peter reminded me that there is still a little girl waiting for us to bring her home and we have to trust God's leading, push through the doubts, keep going and not give up.

Even though this is an upbeat song ... I'm not quite "up" there yet. But it's a very hopeful song. ~ Enjoy

check, check

I (Kris) do enjoy a check off list. :-) This week has been very nice to be able to check off more paper work criteria. Yippe! Here is what we need in order to finish our Homestudy :

Two more interviews with our Social Worker - one is already scheduled!
We need to finish our physical exams
IRS 1040
Financial statement

It's coming, it's coming!!

I wont bring up what we need for our Dossier at this time. We are still working on that. It is taking shape and I keep trying to figure out a new filing system with more and more papers being done and the need for copies everywhere. Now - I'm understanding the name "paper chase" for this process.

Living Sacrifice?

I go to a Mens group every Friday morning (this is obviously Peter lol), and it has been extremely helpful to me as we have continued through this process. To be honest, the past few weeks I have still been nervous about proceeding down this adoption path, and as such have been stalling making progress in some of our steps (scheduling appointments, filling out paperwork etc). This week was the final week of our current study and there was a line that I think is a quote from A.W. Tozer that just spoke right to me. It was "the difficulty with a living sacrifice is that it keeps crawling off the alter". It made me laugh, and then nearly cry. You see, I was crawling off the alter, or at least thinking there has to be a better place to be and I didn't really realize it.
 What is more frustrating that when we finally humble ourselves to God and say, "Your way, not mine", the next day we have to do it all over again. I used to joke that I would like to be martyred. I am not trying to belittle martyrdom, not in the least, but there is something about being able to lay your life down once, and then not having to worry about it again.
  These last few weeks I have disappointed myself as I have been fighting (internally) what we should be doing. It's not fun for me, not fun for my family, and well, its not helping us get Hannah any sooner either, so I made a commitment to get out of the funk and go full court press in getting things done. What's amazing is since then, a few other road blocks have just moved. We need a notary for just about everything and anything, and someone from Eastwood bank who is a notary has said she is willing to come to the Doctors office to notorize documents there for us. Kris had tried to get an appointment as was told the soonest available was 2 and 1/2 months away. She has one for next week now thanks to our amazing PA (wish she was a doctor who could sign it) who also got the kids tested for TB today, yet another thing we need completed. Suddenly we are making real progress and I find myself scared again, ready to crawl off the alter, but this time I am noticing I feel that way, and am finding it easier to say no, this is where I want to be, need to be, and the only place that actually works, so I am trying to stay on the alter, keep God at the center of my life, and trusting that as I put my life in His hands he will take care of me. Its scary, but I am trying to think of it this way. What would life be away from the alter? The grass isn't greener on the other side. In fact, I don't even think there is grass over there. So I am staying put, and pressing on, knowing that in the end, God is in control, and I need to trust Him. Realistically, its hardly a sacrifice. Giving up a little, to gain life. Life to the full. Thanks for praying for us. It really helps us stay on task through this long, beautiful journey.

This song represents my last few weeks so well, particularly the ending. It kills me that they end with "where You go we will follow..... sometimes", but fact is, its true, that living sacrifice keeps crawling off the alter. Pray that we will be able to daily live it out, for Hannah, and for the kids God has already blessed us with, Eli, Joey and Sam. Love those little munchkins, and want more than anything to see them in God's Kingdom.

Rough week, strong kids

This week has been nothing short of an up hill climb for all of us. The end of March means busy times for Pete at work with the quarter closing. All the kids got sick within days of each other with high fevers, coughing. achy bodies, up during the night and running noses. (not to mention constant rocking times with each one or more) With all that mixed together, this is household of very exhausted and cranky parents.
I'm reminded of a marriage class we took after we had Joey. We met with our pastor after church one day and he mentioned to us that we were in survival mode. It was kinda like we were on an airplane that needed oxygen masks and there was only one available for the two of us and we kept fighting over the "mask" in order to breathe. Meaning, we kept fighting over who needs to take a break more than the other person. The weak trying to help the weak wasn't getting us very far. I'm grateful that the "old" pattern didn't last very long this time around.
Peter caught on fast to what was happening to us and instead of arguing and complaining suggested we ask God's help to change our attitudes. I wasn't quite willing to stop my "fighting" side and at the dinner table one night - while crabbing about something, Eli spoke up and said "Ma, God doesn't like it that you talk that way - Satan, get away."  Ouch but that's what I needed to hear. I went from yelling to crying in less than a second. I apologized for my bad attitude and asked God to change me. The week has still been difficult but my heart isn't so hardened toward my family anymore and that's a miracle in itself.
I wanted to put a video up of the boys "playing" one of their favorite songs from The David Crowder Band called "Let me feel You shine" but our camera isn't working. bummer. So, of course with Eli's strong encouragement I'll post the song for you. It's truly amazing how much your kids teach you as parents.

What can I say we are a musical family. :)
Through all the chaos of this week, we did have some good news  - We have one more Aussie in the family! It's true Samantha is now dual citizenship. Our Oz family will be tickled with the news. :)

Am I ready?

I have found myself (this is Peter), thinking a lot lately of all the things I can't do now because we are adopting. I know this is wrong, stupid even, and I know that I would actually rather adopt than any of these other things (usually superficial things), but that has been where my mind has wondered. We recently discovered that the road to get Hannah is going to be longer than expected, then told we should expect more obstacles and changes along the way. It just comes with the package deal of international adoption. I have started to consider am I able to do this. Not just the journey that comes with bringing Hannah home, but then, having another child, an adopted child from another culture, in our home. Am I ready?
  I am going through a study by James MacDonald  called "When life is hard". Last week he was talking about when trials come, our natural tendency is to move out of the way. Kind of like I have been thinking. We could just bail out on this, and things would seem so much easier, but then, is that the purpose of life? To be easier, to just get by. Part of me says I wish it was. But another part of my thinks of everything that is great in my life. Any great accomplishment. Was it easy? Of course not. That's what makes it great. Because it wasn't easy. Think about a marathon. Some of them even finish where they started. So you run for 26 miles only to end up 100 yards away. What's the point? It's hard. That's the point. That's why we do it. Deep down we know the reward is there when we can persevere through something, and the closer we got to bailing out, the more fulfillment we get when we push through that pain barrier and get there. I feel out of my depth doing this adoption. I feel like it stretches me to a point that I am not comfortable with. I am scared of what all could happen yet along this journey. What if there are issues with the paper work? What if we get to Ethiopia and they don't let us take Hannah home? What if this takes way longer than I expect? Can I deal with this roller-coaster of emotions? What if someone makes a racist remark to Hannah? Can I handle this? So many questions. There is one question I ask myself that always helps me keep going. Who is going to open their home to Hannah? God is asking us to do this. There is nothing else for us to do but keep going, because there is a little girl out there that needs a family. Our family. In working through all the ups and downs, its going to be all the more joyous to bring Hannah home.
 So back to the question am I ready? Truth is no. But truth is also that I know with God's help I will be, so we will keep going down this road. Getting our home ready for child no. 4. We are coming for you Hannah, and we can't wait to bring you home.